Best Friends
by Kanetsuki
Summary: Sirius sorts through his feelings for James. Yeah, even the summary is kinda boring.


Um... this is just a random rant about how Sirius feels about James. I just pulled it outta the air. I usually don't go in for James x Sirius (I prefer Sirius x Remus). This fic is a special one off.

I know the line spacing is a bit painful. Sorry if it's boring --;;

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Best friends. That's what they were. That's what they had always been.  
The two most mischievous students Hogwarts had ever seen.  
Sure they had other friends; other close friends in fact, but it was these two that almost every student in the school recognised as a pair. Even the teachers associated the famous Sirius Black and James Potter together. It had been like that since their first year.

Sirius looked out over the crenellated wall of the Astronomy Tower, frowning in thought. It was a miserable day to be outside, which suited him just fine. He gazed into the distance, mulling over his thoughts, unaware of the way the strong breeze, more like a gale up here, whipped at his dark hair and striped scarf. Although he wouldn't have minded at all getting wet, he hoped it wouldn't rain. James had Quidditch practice on right now.

He kicked the wall softly.  
James.  
Damn him. If he squinted, he could just make out the figures whizzing above the Quidditch pitch, although he couldn't tell which of the little scarlet dots his best friend was. He turned away, to stare up at the grey, rumbling clouds in the other direction. He had been staring at James enough lately, without having to do it when he had gone off to find a place to think in solitude.  
It didn't help that he was thinking about James.  
But that was the whole problem. Lately he _had_ been thinking about James. And not in an entirely just-friends sort of way. It started out as a stray idle thought here and there. And sure, they touched and hugged and ruffled each others' hair a little more often than other guys their age did, but they were an exception. They were close. As close as brothers. It had made Sirius so happy when James had told him that, because he had felt the exact same way. He loved James like a brother.  
So why was he savouring their every touch lately? Or appreciating his friend's good looks every time he saw him? At first he rationalised it – he noticed that all his friends were good looking, and he was a tactile person so why shouldn't he like hugs? But he couldn't deny that it was special when it was James.  
But that was because they were like family, right?

Sirius wasn't gay.  
Well, he was pretty sure he wasn't gay.  
He definitely liked girls. Well, mostly definitely.  
He liked them enough to have a girlfriend, for crying out loud. And he liked her. She was cute and funny and good looking and she loved him. But she wasn't James.  
Heck, James had his own girlfriend. And Sirius liked her too – she made his friend happy, for one thing. She was smart and fun to be around and beautiful.  
But for some reason it made him jealous.  
When he first realised it, he knew that it was because she was taking his time and attention away from his best friend. The person he was the most close to in the world. But that was fine. That was the way the world worked, after all. He had his own girlfriend to spend time with, and he enjoyed it. She was wonderful.  
But.  
It wasn't that long before the novelty began to fade, and he became jealous of his friend once more. James' romance with Lily never seemed to fade. Sirius had always tried not to let his jealousy of James get the best of him. James and his loving family and his perfect home life. James didn't spend the last weeks of every term dreading the holidays when he would have to go home again. James didn't have to keep his friends, opinions and actions a secret from his own family. But as long as Sirius had friends like James, he didn't mind so much. What he _did_ mind was seeing James and Lily kiss every five minutes.  
And then he realised that he wasn't jealous of James and his perfect relationship – he was jealous of Lily. Because she was the one kissing James.

Gods, didn't he have enough to deal with already?  
Sirius knew that it was his own fault his own relationship wasn't so crash hot. He didn't even know if she noticed that he had become distracted lately, or the fact that, despite how adorable she was, he didn't have the drive to (-ahem-) _be_ with her. He was pretty sure that even if she hadn't noticed yet, she would soon wonder why a teenager with raging hormones wasn't acting on them.  
Sirius kicked the wall a little more violently.  
It wasn't his fault. He was that fucking stressed right now. Who could do those sorts of things when they knew that their family was plotting and murdering and part of the terrifying revolution that was starting to unfold? He felt like everything was falling out from underneath him and there was nothing he could do to stop it. What the hell was he doing with his life?  
He sighed, about to kick the wall for a third time, when a large drop of water landed on his head. The rain that had been threatening to bucket down all afternoon was finally making its appearance. He sighed again, wishing he had thought to bring an umbrella, or could remember some sort of rain repelling charm. Oh well. Truth be told, Sirius rather enjoyed being in the rain. He tipped his head back towards the sky and closed his eyes as fat drops of rain began their assault.  
He let the rain wash over him as the wind whipped his robes every which way, until his coal black hair was plastered to his head and his robes heavy and sodden with water.  
And he knew.  
He loved James, and would always love him like family. But there was a part of him that loved his friend in a different way. A way that made him wish he could take the other into his arms, and just once, kiss him.  
But that would never happen, because James was straight as a pole.  
Well, as far as Sirius knew. And he was pretty sure he knew.  
But it didn't matter anyways, because James had Lily. Heck, Sirius had his own girl for goodness' sake.  
It made him guilty though, to know that it wasn't his girlfriend that was the person most important to him in the world. But then, he wondered how she could compete with someone he had known and been close to for over six years.

Hearing footsteps behind him, he turned to see James at the top of the stairs, holding a cheery black umbrella.  
"What are you doing out in the rain, you git?"  
"Just thinking."  
"Come on. Let's go to dinner – I'm starving. Besides, we still have to sort out about turning Snape permanently green before we have to start studying for our NEWTs."  
James grinned mischievously and Sirius smiled.  
Because even if there was a part of him that loved James in a different way, he knew he would always love him more as a friend. And he liked it that way best.


End file.
